


Truth (and memories) are equal measures of sour and sweet

by PerplexinglyParadoxialPerson



Series: The making of a (post Age of Ultron) Avengers family [6]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angry Tony Stark, Anxious Bucky Barnes, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Remembers, M/M, Podfic Welcome, Protective Steve Rogers, Tony is told the truth, Transformative Works Welcome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:40:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26582299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PerplexinglyParadoxialPerson/pseuds/PerplexinglyParadoxialPerson
Summary: Bucky knows that he needs to tell Tony what he did, but he’s scared of what Tony will do. Luckily, Steve is supportive.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: The making of a (post Age of Ultron) Avengers family [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1486748
Comments: 2
Kudos: 46





	Truth (and memories) are equal measures of sour and sweet

**Author's Note:**

> So I’ve been sitting on this one for a while without changing anything, so I figured I’d throw it out there. Hope you enjoy!

Bucky was relieved that Tony had been staying in his lab a lot over the last week. It was probably because Steve had accidentally embarrassed him by having him catch them kissing, then talking about his father. He knew that Tony was sensitive about his father. The thing was, every time that Bucky saw Tony, he couldn’t help but tense up. He had remembered killing Howard and his wife a while ago, before he had gone to see Steve again, but it was obvious that Tony didn’t know.

It had only been two weeks since the battle in Sokovia, and he and Steve were starting to fit together well again, had even met and helped Spider-Man a bit after running on rooftops for a while to get some energy out. He knew he needed to tell Tony what he had done soon though, especially after he had given them the material to improve Peter’s suit. He didn’t want to do it, didn’t want to know exactly how much Tony would hate him after he was told.

He knew though, the longer he put it off, the worse it would be when Tony found out. He needed to do it so that he could hopefully still help Peter, and if Tony wanted to run Bucky down, he wouldn’t be too attached to the kid, and he could run without consequences. Steve would be able to find him if he needed to, but... if Steve didn’t know that Bucky had killed them, and it hurt him when he found out? That would be worse.

He tightened his grip on Steve, who was sleeping in his arms. He would tell Steve tomorrow, but for now he would relish his time with him, just in case it was his last night with him.

He stayed there, watching Steve, as the sun slowly rose, sending soft colours cascading over Steve’s face, making him look even softer, even more gorgeous somehow. The lines on his face were gone, face slack with sleep. He found himself drifting off, but pinched his side with the metal hand. He had had a lot of nights to watch Steve’s face, to put it in his mind that this was real, not a flashback, a memory, or a dream, but it still surprised him every time. To know that Steve trusted him with this vulnerability, that Steve was actually here, and loved him, despite everything he had done. Every single time, he ended up tracing his fingers gently over Steve’s face, following every line, every curve, awed by his beauty, dazzled by all the incredible memories that his face brought up. He remembered knowing Steve backwards and forwards, knowing almost exactly how he would react to every situation, even when others were taken aback. He was pretty sure he had seen every expression on Steve’s face, and now, even though they were different, had been separated for so long, he still seemed to know Steve better than anyone. He felt guilty for liking that though, knowing that Steve needed friends, needed people who knew him well, and if so few people knew him well at all, then Steve had probably been very lonely in this century.

He was way too tired, he knew, and that was making him maudlin.

Steve woke up slowly as Bucky watched, looking well rested and calm. Steve stretched and rolled over with a sigh and groan, resting on his back for a few minutes before turning to look at Bucky.

“Morning Bucky,” he said with a soft smile. Bucky’s stomach growled, and he stretched out, reluctant to get out of the warm, cozy bed. “C’mon Bucky,” Steve said, getting up. “Need to fix something to eat.”

He grudgingly got out of bed, his head spinning a bit with exhaustion, and made his way to the kitchen.

They ate breakfast slowly, but Steve was looking at him oddly, studying him. Steve was more stubborn than anyone he had ever met, knew Bucky like the back of his hand, and wanted the best for him. He wasn’t getting out of this without the basic idea being dragged out of him at least.

“We need to talk,” Steve said firmly once he had finished his breakfast.

“We do,” Bucky said reluctantly, focusing his eyes on Steve’s collarbones. “And I have something to say too, when you’re done.”

Steve paused for a second, looking like he was about to question that, but continued. “Bucky,” he said firmly. “I haven’t seen you sleep at all since you came to the tower, and you look exhausted. Have your nightmares really been that bad? I promise you can wake me up if you need anything, to talk, some cuddles, a shoulder to cry on, anything. I’ve been getting better sleep recently than I have since I woke up in this century, so I can afford to lose some of it. And even if I wasn’t sleeping well, I’d be more than willing to give that up for you.”

“It’s not that,” Bucky said carefully. “I haven’t been sleeping at all. At least, not here.”

He still had his small apartment in New York after all, and went there to relax and sleep occasionally, especially when he got overwhelmed and paranoid at the number of people in the tower.

“You haven’t slept?!” Steve said, moving forwards. “Can you really not sleep? Surely something helps! Is it just being in the tower that’s causing it? I can—“

“No.” Bucky said sharply, rattled by the intensity of Steve’s words.

Steve froze, staying still and quiet as Bucky buried his face in his hands. He knew that he was just being sensitive because he was tired, but his eyes were prickling, and his head was buzzing. He had been spending more and more time with Steve lately, less time in his apartment, where he could sleep.

“That’s not it,” he ground out. “I can’t sleep if I’m here because... sometimes... when I wake up, especially if I’ve had a nightmare, but not always... I’ll wake up by smashing something in the area into pieces... I can’t hurt you again.”

He kept his face in his palms, so he wouldn’t have to see Steve’s reactions. He knew he was dangerous, but he had hoped that Steve wouldn’t realize for a long time.

“Bucky,” Steve said tremulously. “Please look at me.” He didn’t sound scared or surprised, just sad and affectionate.

He looked up slowly, and Steve didn’t look anything close to angry or scared, was giving him a sad smile.

“Thank you,” he said softly. “I know you’re dangerous in some ways, doesn’t stop me from loving you. By that metric, I’m dangerous too, stronger, faster, smarter than an ordinary human.”

“But—“ was all that Bucky managed before Steve cut in.

“You’re going to say it’s not the same right? I don’t know if you remember this, but during the war, when we were in enemy territory and sharing a tent, I had a nightmare. You tried to wake me up and...” he took a steadying breath. “I rolled over and tried to punch you in the face. If you hadn’t been just fast enough to roll out from under me, I would have crushed your skull. As it was, I made a hole in the ground underneath you, and you had a nasty bruise on the side of your face for a long time, just because my fist brushed your face on the way down.”

As Steve spoke, Bucky began to remember that, remembering the moment he realized what Steve was going to do, the sudden flare of pain on his cheek as he rolled away, the way Steve had blinked awake slowly, confused and disoriented, watching him stare at his fist stuck in the ground—that would have gone through his skull, he had seen what Steve’s strength could do to enemies—he had seen the dawning realization in Steve’s eyes, the way he had gone chalk white in an instant, darting a look at Bucky before yanking his fist out of the earth and bolting.

Steve hadn’t gone anywhere near any of the Howlies—or even Bucky—until they got to the base they had been going after, and even then, the other Howlies had practically had to herd Steve into the reach of Bucky’s arms, where he could pull Steve into a hug.

“I was strong enough to make me terrified for everyone around me, and I hadn’t truly realized it until then,” Steve continued. “But you were stubborn, and got me used to touching you again, letting me do it over and over until I got it in my head that I wouldn’t hurt you, and even then I was still careful. I know it’ll take a long time to realize that you won’t hurt me, but until then, if it’s still bothering you, we can sleep in shifts. I don’t mind and... I really don’t want you to lose sleep like that, the nightmares make it hard enough.”

“I remember that now,” Bucky said roughly. “I... thank you for telling me, I forgot about that. If you think that’ll work... I’d like to sleep next to you.”

Steve’s smile lit up his face, and he started to get up.

“Not yet,” Bucky said. “I have something to tell you, then I can nap.”

Steve sat down again, and looked Bucky in the eyes, ready to listen. Bucky felt a little more relaxed about this now, with Steve’s reaction to his fears, he felt a little braver.

“I’m not sure if you know this,” Bucky said slowly. “But... one of the people I assassinated was... Howard Stark.”

“I figured,” Steve said sadly.

“You knew?” Bucky asked, heart beating fast.

“It wasn’t for sure,” Steve said. “But it seemed very likely. While I was taking down Hydra, I found... an AI that revealed a lot of things about Hydra. It showed some pictures of newspapers on assassinations, which included Howard’s death, and a picture of the star on your metal arm. It never said it directly, but I guessed.”

“And you didn’t tell Tony,” Bucky said, thinking.

Steve looked away, a slight flush of embarrassment on his cheeks.

“Really Stevie?” He asked. “He’s probably going to be angry that you never told him that after a full two weeks of me living in his tower.”

“I know,” Steve groaned, putting his head in his hands. “I know for a fact that it was the wrong thing to do, especially with you here in the tower, but... I couldn’t say it. I almost did a couple times, managed to tell him that I was pretty sure that Hydra had killed his parents before I gave him your file, but... he reacted badly just to me being pretty sure that Hydra killed his parents, running me out of the lab and throwing stuff.”

“So that’s why you asked if I was ok with him reading my file,” Bucky said. “Not because you wanted to convince him I wasn’t dangerous, it was so he wouldn’t go after me when he learned that I killed his parents.”

“Yeah,” Steve said dully. “I’m sorry that I misled you about why I was giving him the files.”

“I’m not really mad about that,” Bucky said, turning it over in his mind. “I’m annoyed, but maybe now he’ll have a bigger chance of not going after me. But before you told him about your suspicions, why did you think that he would go after me after seeing the file?”

“I definitely don’t know for sure,” Steve said, still not looking Bucky in the eyes. “But a while ago, before the whole thing with Hydra, his bodyguard got attacked by a terrorist, then Tony went on the news, told them his home address, and basically dared the terrorists to fight him. He also has a lot more resources than I do, could find you a lot easier than I would be able to if you ran.”

“Oh,” Bucky said, the pieces clicking together. “He’s too similar to you.”

“Yeah,” Steve sighed. “When... when you fell, once we had Zola captured, I made Phillips promise that when Zola was on the plane to America he’d... make sure he had an accident. If I found out that my ma had been killed by someone, I know exactly how I’d react, go and find that person and make sure they’re punished for what they did. If Tony’s even half as similar to me as I think he is...”

“Then you’re pretty sure how he would react,” Bucky finished. “But he’s read the files, knows what they had to do to make me do what I did. If... if he’s like you, then wouldn’t he not blame me for what I did? You have never once blamed me, no matter what I did.”

“I just don’t know Tony well enough,” Steve sighed. “I want to believe that he’ll understand that it wasn’t your fault, that you had no choice, but... I can’t risk you for something I’m that unsure about, I can’t make myself do it.”

His voice was wavering a bit, eyes starting to well up.

“Will you stop me from telling him?” Bucky asked, a little bit apprehensive.

He needed to tell Tony what he had done, felt like if he could at least apologize before Tony threw him out, he could start to heal. If that’s what it would take, he would fight Steve so he could tell Tony.

“I won’t,” Steve said fervently, looking him in the eyes. “It’s your choice, and no matter how much I hate it, I won’t stop you from doing it. He does need to be told anyway.”

Bucky relaxed, he wouldn’t have to fight Steve, wouldn’t have to hurt him again.

“Can you take a nap first though?” Steve asked softly, looking at him through his lashes. “If you’re going to run away with me, I can’t have you at my six if you’re half asleep.”

“Run away with you?” Bucky asked, heart skipping a beat.

“Yeah,” Steve said with a grin. “There’s no way I’m letting you run away without me. The line doesn’t end if you’re a fugitive.”

Bucky laughed roughly, shaking his head. Steve still wanted that, was completely serious about dropping everything to run away with him, demolishing Captain America’s reputation in an instant, with no hesitation.

“You sure,” Bucky asked softly. “Captain America’s reputation would be ruined, I could hide by myself, send you emails and stuff.”

Steve huffed derisively. “Not a chance,” he said, rolling his eyes. “You know better than anyone just how different Captain America is from me, you really think I want to keep that if the other option was to run away with you?”

“Wanted to give you an out just in case,” Bucky said, then yawned involuntarily, loud and jaw cracking.

“Looks like it’s bedtime for master assassins,” Steve said with a smirk, moving towards their bedroom.

“Punk,” Bucky muttered, groaning as he stood up.

“I heard that jerk!” Steve called from the bedroom.

Steve was lying on his side of the bed, looking relaxed and happy. Bucky lay down cautiously, facing Steve, and trying to relax.

“Goodnight kiss?” He asked, pursing his lips.

He kept his eyes carefully open, he had to keep them open, to make sure he wouldn’t panic. He didn’t know if he would, but he had to push his limits sometime, and a kiss not initiated by him wasn’t far to push.

Steve came in slowly, pressed a soft kiss to his lips, and smiled as he pulled back.

“Night Bucky,” he said, settling back down, and picking up a book from his nightstand.

It took a while for him to get asleep, like usual, but eventually, the soft light of the lamp faded into darkness.

+-+

He woke up slowly, feeling a warmth beside him that smelled good, calming. He felt safe, warmed with the heat of the body beside him. He turned over, reluctant to get up when he was so relaxed and well rested. He could probably sleep more, but... he needed to tell Tony before he put it off more and ended up never telling him.

“Morning,” Steve said softly, hair mussed from laying next to Bucky. “You feeling better?”

“More rested,” Bucky said, stretching. “But I’m not reconsidering telling him if that’s what you’re asking.”

“Thought I’d ask,” Steve said sheepishly. “But you didn’t have any nightmares!”

“No,” Bucky said. “Kind of thought I’d be more likely to have one with someone near me, possibly putting me in danger, but apparently you’re an exception to every rule.”

“That’s good,” Steve said, relaxing, and pursing his lips for a kiss.

Bucky gave him a quick peck, and got up, leaving Steve pouting on the bed. “I have something important to do,” he said softly. “And you aren’t going to convince me to put it off or not do it.”

“I know,” Steve said dejectedly. “Good luck, and don’t you dare try to leave me behind if you need to run.”

“I won’t,” Bucky laughed, buoyed by Steve’s determination to be with him no matter what. “Till the end of the line,” he said softly, walking out of the room.

He needed to do this, he couldn’t bear to live here if he didn’t say it.

He got into the elevator, and pressed the button for Tony’s lab. The floor was covered in a patterned grey tile. The walls were mirrored, reflecting himself over into infinity. He looked at the ceiling so he didn’t have to see, didn’t have to remember just how different he looked from Bucky Barnes.

There were nine grey tiles on the ceiling, speckled with white and darker grey. He could hear the buzz of electricity in the walls, and the whirring of the machinery that moved it, just under the soft music playing, and he could even hear the vague hum of people on the floors between. His heart was beating faster with every second inside the elevator, and it was taking forever for just seconds to pass, much less the short minute between Steve’s floor and the lab. He wasn’t sure if he wanted the elevator to go faster or slower. He counted the tiles on the ceiling again, still nine, speckled as they had been when he first counted them. How long was this going to take? There was a small discolouration in the corner of the ceiling, possibly water damage, barely noticeable. He heard the whirr of the machinery in his arm as he clenched his fist to stop himself from punching his way out of this infernal elevator. It had to be going slower for him, that was the only explanation.

Then the elevator stopped, and he practically shook with the need to pry the doors apart so he wouldn’t have to wait the eons for them to open. The moment they opened wide enough for him to go through, he bolted into the hallway.

His heart was beating much faster than it should, and he forced himself to take long slow breaths to calm his heartbeat, a skill he had perfected as the Soldier—panic is inefficient Soldier—it would be easier to slip into the Soldier, to not care about the consequences, to say it to Tony easily, without emotion.

Tony didn’t deserve that though, he deserved to know that Bucky cared, that he had never wanted to hurt them. It would hurt himself more, but maybe it would help Tony, to be able to know that Bucky hated that he had to do it, never would have done it if he had the choice.

He knocked on the door.

“What,” Tony asked dryly, opening the door, before Bucky got the chance to get nervous.

“I want to talk to you,” Bucky said, keeping a stranglehold on the urge to punch Tony and run. He had researched the Avengers on his way to the US, and he knew that Tony had gotten his arc reactor removed before Insight, he would probably be weakest in the centre of his chest—No! He wasn’t going to do that, and even if he did need to escape, he wouldn’t hurt anyone doing so.

Bucky walked in the door as Tony gestured him inside, plopping onto a spinning chair and making it spin until he was facing Bucky.

“What’s up Edward Elric?”

Bucky was nowhere near prepared for this, his heart beating in his throat, but he took a breath and started talking anyway. “I don’t know what all you know, but Hydra made me do a lot of assassinations for them, and... Steve found out something a while ago, and I knew I had to tell you about it, and...”

“What is it?” Tony asked suspiciously.

“It’s...” Bucky barely managed, but then the words just spilled out. “Hydra made me kill your parents, and I know it’s awful, but I promise you they didn’t suffer, and I’m so incredibly sorry, if I had any choice at all I never would have done it—“

“What?” Tony whispered. “And... and Steve knew?”

“He suspected it,” Bucky managed. “There wasn’t any proof, just some implications and—“

“Get out,” Tony croaked.

“I’ll go,” Bucky said, heart breaking. “We can be packed and out of the tower in half an hour, you’ll never have to see either of us again if you don’t want to, I promise.”

Tony stared at him for a tense second, then said, “I... stay in the tower where I can keep an eye on you goddammit, just get out of this god dammed room!”

He threw a wrench from the table at Bucky, and he ducked, and ran out of the room into the hall.

He heard lots of crashing sounds from the room once the door had closed.

He walked to the elevator in a daze, not quite able to believe what had happened. Tony was letting them stay? He had been so angry, yet he didn’t want them to leave?

He walked into the elevator, and pressed the button for Steve’s floor.

Tony had mentioned wanting to keep an eye on them, but did he really think of Bucky as that dangerous?

Steve was waiting for him where the elevator doors opened, practically vibrating with worry.

“We don’t have to go,” Bucky managed, still in shock from the abrupt change in Tony’s manner.

Steve sighed gustily, and guided him back to their room proper. “Are you ok?” Steve asked cautiously as they flopped onto the bed together.

“I don’t know,” Bucky said reluctantly. “I kind of mentioned that you knew it beforehand, and... he almost seemed more angry at that? That could change, but he yelled at me to get out after that. I... I said that we could be out and packed within an hour, but... he told me to stay. Said something about keeping an eye on me. We aren’t out on our ears yet at least.”

“If he tries to keep you imprisoned here,” Steve said carefully. “I swear I’ll get you out, keep you safe.”

“I appreciate that,” Bucky sighed. “I guess if I ask if you’re sure about this you’ll just get pissy about it if my memories are correct.”

“Your memories are very much correct,” Steve said, raising an eyebrow. “But we’re still allowed to be here now, why don’t we eat something, just in case?”

“Good idea,” Bucky sighed, starting to actually feel his exhaustion now. “I could use a nap afterwards, if you’re still willing to stay up for it?”

“Perfect,” Steve said. “I’ll get a snack for us.”


End file.
